Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
