My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
