bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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