My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
