Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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