so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
