shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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