So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
