you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
