Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
