i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I got inside last night via doggy door
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
