How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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