When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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