Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
