I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
