On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
