"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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