So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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