Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
