im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
