see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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