I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
