I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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