when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Vodka?
Forever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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