I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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