I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
