I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
