Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
