OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
