Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
