6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
