We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
