yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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