You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
