When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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