im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
