i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
that's an acceptable place to lick
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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