Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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