I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
