i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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