...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
