I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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