matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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