2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
