At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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