I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
