Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
