I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
