i will never coherently bang her
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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