Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I will die if light touches me.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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