can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
